Thoughts

 sometimes,

when I'm not in a good mood,

I write

but that is not the usual case

usually I'll start to write when the feeling is intense

and there's this thoughts that's lingering in my head

like, written thoughts

maybe that's how I talk to myself

inner monologue

I rarely have this in-mind dialogue

and everytime (almost, i think), I'll write it out

so maybe, most of my thoughts are not well-organized thoughts that I can speak out

that's why, I rarely speak or write about it

yeah, maybe that's why...

still learning to get my thoughts organized...

I guess, 2020 is kind of the year of confusion for me

year of figuring things out hmmmm

I hope so

24th & PKPP

at this age,

I feels clueless
of what I should be

what should I do





maybe because everything happens at the same time,
coincidentally......






nah, nothing is coincident in this world


everything are placed perfectly,
only then, that pieces will resembles a complete puzzle
then it'll make sense to us



---------------------------------------

graduated,
the pandemic,
me feeling lost over what to do next,
post working-from-home phase etc

watching my friends' life update (married, work, study etc)

and all those influences I got from watching "how girls should be" in the social media thing,
i mean how girls should be working, women empowerment bla bla bla


all of these makes me think a lot these days,
but actually I'm confused of what I've been thinking



maybe because I think about many different things,
and I don't see where it connects
haha



maybe it connects at this point,
I'm actually lost about myself,

like, which path do I take now?
should I further study?
should I think about marriage?
should I work?
should I earn some money?

or should I just focus on serving/helping my family instead?


I just don't know,
because every path seems to be obscure
while time is precious
hello I'm 24 already
another one year and I'll reach suku abad already


yeah it's not really about the numbers right,
but 20's age is the golden age
and I shouldn't be wasting it



and, I'm not that good at balancing between responsibilities
so I don't really think that it's a good idea for me to do many at once
hmmmmmmmmmmm






maybe that's just the beauty of it,
like an abstract artwork,
vague, yet beautiful
waiting to be explored

pray for me please :')

Ramadhani?

Hidup adalah perjalanan yang bermula dari Tuhan, menuju Tuhan

Life is a journey; from Allah, to Allah

and in this journey towards God,

there will be maaaaaaany obstacles that may lead us astray from the right path

what are the obstacles?

right, syaitan and our own nafs

so, in order for us to be able to go through those obstacles safely, what do we need?

we need something that we can use to protect us, right?

and that's what we call, shield

---------

let us pause for a moment and ponder upon this Quranic verse;

يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا كُتِبَ عَلَيْكُمُ الصِّيَامُ كَمَا كُتِبَ عَلَى الَّذِينَ مِن قَبْلِكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَتَّقُونَ ﴿١٨٣﴾

"Wahai orang-orang yang beriman! Kamu diwajibkan berpuasa sebagaimana diwajibkan atas orang-orang yang dahulu daripada kamu, supaya kamu bertaqwa."

[Al-Baqarah : 183]

fasting is made obligatory = so that/hopefully you get Taqwa

do you know that Taqwa comes from the word, وقاية

which means, prevention, or shield?

--------------------------

okay, so back to our discussion,

in our journey to God,

we needed shield to protect us against all those obstacles that may lead us astray, right?

the syaitan and nafs

and in the previous Quranic verse, Allah mentioned that fasting is made obligatory upon us, so that we may gain Taqwa (shield)

so, there you go!

that's where we can get that protection from!

fasting is the tool for us to gain that shield

okay, hold on,

Taqwa is a shield,

but what does Taqwa really mean?

okay for that one, I would really suggest that you watch this video to understand what is Taqwa and how does fasting & Ramadhan enable us attain it?

https://youtu.be/xY8UC0OiYuw

-----------------------------

after you watch that video and understand about the importance of Taqwa,

you might want to plan on how to achieve Taqwa right?

I mean in practical ways

If so, let's determine what makes a person considered successful or the other way around.

Do you realize that when we picture/describe someone who is successful or not, we'll be describing his/her habits?

because you are determined by what you repeatedly do,

for instance, when a person is described as a very patient person, he must be someone who repeatedly/always has the tolerance of provocation without responding in annoyance/anger, right?

and the things that you repeatedly do, is called habit

and habit is what builds the character of a person

so, that's what you need to work on!

habits

but, then, I would suggest you to watch this video to understand how habit works

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cPn3UOt1lxw

-----------------------------

So, in order for us to attain Taqwa, this Ramadhan, I would suggest that we do this 3 things ;

1- make sure you have & follow your daily time table (just do a rough one, schedule activities in between prayer times)

2- commit on building 1 good crucial habit that is needed for you to attain Taqwa

3- commit on undo-ing 1 bad habit that will ruin your plan to achieve Taqwa

Side note :

• habit is build by doing the same thing, everyday for a period of time without breaking the chain (some said that the minimum period for a habit to be established is 21 day = 3 weeks, some said that its' 30 days)
• always consider our own stamina while building/undo-ing any habit. If you have never done it before/or for a long time, please please, start small & realistic. How can you sprint if you don't have the stamina?
• focus on 1 habit or more for each task of building and undo-ing habit. you can add 1 or 2 habit, if you ayou already have the stamina, depends on your capability.

REMEMBER, we want this shield to last until after Ramadhan, so plan accordingly, okay?

Do not rush by doing like 10 habits etc

Exploring

Salam

lately ni I've been thinking about sharing my ideas publicly, atau dalam bahasa lain, lebih meluas capaiannya (publicly tu hmmm not really sure)

because, I think I've got many things to share, tp since mcm segan nak share mcm one to one, unless it's usrah (that's why I like to bawak usrah, because I can share my ideas and thoughts there, without feeling awkward hahaha), why not make it somewhere public

hmmmm, again. when I said public. I'm not quite sure how public is it that I want it to be. setakat yg terfikir, nak share kat whatsApp story, IG TV etc. sebab lebih secure since I know those who can view it are all my friends or at least people that I know, haha. terutamanya IG TV la, sbb dia mcm TV kan, siapa nak tengok, silakan, dan boleh revisit balik kalau nak tengok sbb tersimpan kat situ kan

kalau WhatsApp story, I've already hide my story from all boys contacts, as far as I know harapnya takdelah yg terlepas lagi 😬

and actually mcm kalau nak mudah, I'm planning to just record a simple video of me just talking, without the need to edit anything hmmm, kalau rajin nak edit pun, maybe just subtitles and watermark, and maybe thumbnail? ceh rajinnya hahaha

tapi kalau nak share dalam whatsApp story, segan sikit laa haha sbb dia tak jadi konsep macam TV lah kalau nak tengok boleh, taknak pun takpe 🤔

unless, if I turn in into an animation/illustrational video lah, I can be the voice and the rest tu, maybe boleh minta tolong adik atau sesiapa buat. because............. i might take time to finish things since I'm a bit, perfectionist, maybe? sebenarnya suka je nak explore benda² pasal design ni, tapi tulah, takut akhirnya terbazirkan masa kat situ hahaha

bila tah nak face that kind of problem and settlekan 🤔

btw what I share, it can be, kind of TED Talk atau ala² Aida Azlin punya video? because it can be both reflections and ideas worth sharing hahahaha. 100rius lah tapi

btw hrtu ana dengar balik video Aida Azlin about doing stuffs, tak ingat tajuk dia apa, tapi pointnya adalah, if you want to do something just do it tak perlu tunggu perfect baru nak start. contoh, rasa nak create video? buat je dulu, tak perlu perfectly edited atau tunggu cukup peralatan utk buat video. and...... it doesn't have tu be posted online pun kalau taknak lagi. sbb kadang² that kind of thought, about needing to be perfect and thinking about other's perception yg buat langkah kita terhenti. untuk even, start the first step. like, hello you haven't even started tapi dah takut hahahahaha

but honestly, that's me. and I've just realized that, when she said it that way, and when my siblings and friends said about it to me. tanpa disedari, I've always been wanting to do things perfectly to the point that sometimes it takes too much time that's unnecessary pun, dan kadang² sampai takut nak start buat apa². sebab tanpa disedari, I am, afraid of failure.

and that's a mindset that I've been in, for such a long time, rupa-rupanya.

ooh, and then there's this saying of Nouman Ali Khan (NAK) in one of his video, he said that we will only know ourselves when we put ourselves to work, that's when we know our strengths, weaknesses and so on. dan memang betul pun apa yang dia cakap, because I've experienced what he said. I never knew that I'm a systematic and good at management person, until I work with people etc. dan terutamanya bila muhasabah ke apa orang komen pasal kita, benda yang kita tak pernah sedar. so benda tu sangat membuka mata lah sebenarnya. dia macam moment of realisation yang "oooh aku pandai menyanyi rupanya!" haaa lebih kurang gitulah

dan bila masuk uni dan terlibat dengan society etc, diberi tanggungjawab, bukan sekadar ahli biasa yang just jadi peserta program, barulah saya sedar pasal kebolehan dan potensi saya. dia lain tau bila kita jadi ahli biasa dan kita cuba untuk pegang jawatan, sbb ada tanggungjawab yang kena galas kat situ. like you have to think about the people, the resources and so on, mana sama dengan fikir pasal diri sendiri, gitulah analoginya.

oh dan saya masih ingat lagi antara perubahan lain yg saya dapat waktu zamsn sekolah dengan zaman uni, adalah komen orang pasal saya. kalau zaman sekolah, semua kalau ada 100 komen, semuanya akan cakap benda yg lebih kurang sama, pemalu, pendiam, sopan. tak pun, comel 😜😂😂😂😂😂 (eh tapi ini fakta okie? kbye hahahaha)

bila zaman uni pulak, jarang sangat dapat komen macamtu, dan komen² dia lebih diverse dan lebih rare. contoh, sistematik, detail...... okay tak ingat dah sebab diverse sangat bakat saya ni lol 😂. tapi an, satu benda yang pelik adalah, bila zaman uni yang orang ada komen muka garang 🤔. padahal rasanya dari zaman sekolah lagi muka dah garang hahahahaha, tapi mungkin sebab mmg cheerful je kot bila jumpa orang, so jarang lah diorang nampak muka garang tu

kalau zaman uni, sebab ada meeting etc, so peluang nak tengok muka garang lebih banyak, mungkin? hahahahaha sebab muka berfikir saya memang macamtulah, cannot help haha. unless, tengah meeting/usrah online fasa PKP ni. sebab sambil online, tengok muka sendiri 😂😂😂😂😂. so holeh lah latih muka utk senyum sikit hahaha.

okay sebenarnya, muka akan nampak garang kalau tengah berfikir, pening kepala, penat, tak sihat, atau...... salah angle 😂

takpelah, malas nak fikir, dah muka unik nak buat macamana, kalau tengah buat muka biasa pun nampak garang, sedangkan tengah expressionless tu haha. jadi kita kena bersyukur dengan ciptaan Allah ini hehe ❤️

anyways, I'll learn to be more open insyaAllah, learn to make failure, as my friend? eheh?

yang penting, belajar untuk cuba benda baru, insyaAllah. are you okie, dear self? hahahaha

1 out of 366

quick p/s : this post is actually written on 1st of January, 2020. but I just posted it here, since I posted it on the wrong place, which I thought that it's this blog. anyways....
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



me entering 2020,

entering 24th year,

yet still uncertain about who i am

i remember people saying that, teenage years are that period of life where people are searching for oneself

i don't think i feel that way when i'm in my teenage years

coz i just, flow with the flow, i guess

the problem is,

i'm turning 24 this year,

yet i'm still puzzled about myself

or.. maybe

its just that i'm uncertain about who i am meant to be

to be honest,

i do feel afraid of my future,

like, who i am meant to be,

because... all of these circumstances...

i'm more than this

like i am meant for something big

and look, all this circumstances is pushing me towards it

even though i've failed so many times

and felt like giving up for sooo sooooooooooooo many times

but.....

i just

i don't know why

i couldn't give up

couldn't stop myself from keep on moving

or is it,

because of my writing remedy?

when i'm stressed,

i always ended up writing

and when i write, i think and contemplate

contemplating of reasons why i should not stop?

why should i care to continue?

and things seems smooth and easy for me since ever

maybe that's why i feel like, hey why should i stop?

as if the path is written for me

who am i?

tentang Usaha dan Kebergantungan

Harini aku diuji lagi,


Entah macamana, aku boleh terlupa utk mulakan hari dengan perkara yang paling penting.
Padahal dah biasa buat

Bila sibuk macamtulah, terus lupa segala benda
Mungkin juga sebab aku banyak melagha sikit beberapa hari ni
Sampai tak ingat langsung kena buat apa


....................................................................


Kadang manusia ni,
Terlalu bergantung pada diri sendiri
Rasa yakin boleh siapkan assignment on time, etc
Rasa senang je assignment tu
Senang je nak cari bahan, etc
Boleh siapkan dalam masa yang singkat..

Tapi siapa tahu,
Tiba-tiba sakit ke,
Phone/laptop down,
Tiba-tiba emotionally unstable,
Ada problem mendadak,
Ada orang buat hal dengan kita,
Kena tolong orang,
Assignment/pendrive hilang
dan...
seribu satu kemungkinan lagi yang boleh jadi..


Lepastu bila jadi apa-apa,
baru teringat nak doa
bila org remind, baru teringat
"Allah yang takdirkan benda tu untuk berlaku"
"Semuanya dah tertulis sebelum kita dilahirkan lagi. Maktub"
Tinggal kita je lah, nak hadap dan react macamana bila berlaku setiap situasi tu


Eh, haah kan?
Sepatutnya bila dah tau benda mcmtu possible je jadi,
Kena banyak doa
Malah sentiasa berdoa
Sebelum, semasa, selepas buat sesuatu

Kadang, kita terlupa,
bersama-sama usaha kita, kena ada doa & tawakkal juga
bukan sekadar usaha & tawakkal

doa, semoga Allah permudahkan setiap apa yg bakal, atau akan dilalui


Bila fikir balik,
selalu je fikir benda-benda on duniawi-level
maksudnya, selalu fikir benda dengan pemikiran yang terhad ni
contoh bila hantar assignment lambat sbb jadi benda yang tak dapat nak elak,
kadang rasa nak putus asa je, taknak submit sbb dah lambat sangat,
memang sampai dah nangis bagai,

tapi berbulan selepas tu, dapat tahu lecturer tu tunjuk video kitorg sebagai contoh kat students lain T______T


itulah,
kuasa Allah kan
kita boleh fikir based on apa possibilities yang kita rasa boleh jadi je
tapi kita lupa,
ada yang lebih mengetahui
ada Yang Maha Kuasa
yang menguasai hati-hati manusia
yang boleh je bolak balikkan hati manusia,
walau strict macamana pun orang tu


eh even benda yang mustahil pun boleh jadi
just by saying "!كن، فيكن"
Bila Allah kata jadi, maka jadilah ia!

Kadang kita terlupa benda tu,
Lupa ada yang berkuasa untuk ubah takdir,



Teringat haritu waktu baca page pertama surah Maryam,
terkedu, bila baca doa Nabi Zakaria :

"Ia merayu dengan berkata: Wahai Tuhanku!

Sesungguhnya telah lemahlah tulang -tulangku,

dan telah putih melepaklah uban kepalaku;

dan aku

- wahai Tuhanku -

tidak pernah merasa hampa dengan doa permohonanku kepadaMu."

[Maryam : 4]

😭😭😭😭😭

Waktu baca ayat tu, rasa macam jauhhhhhh sangat diri ni dengan sifat Nabi Zakaria.
Cepatnya aku putus asa, padahal tak besar mana pun ujian tu.

Nabi Zakaria, walaupun dia nak anak dlm keadaan yang nampak sangat impossible, sbb dia dah tersangat tua & isteri dia mandul, tapi dia tetap tak berputus asa merayu apa yang dia nak. Padahal bagi kita benda tu macam mustahil gila kot. Even bila Nabi dapat berita dia akan dapat anak, dia pun terkejut 😭😭😭

sedihnya cerita diaaaaa 😭



.....................

Mungkin ni satu teguran untuk aku,
yang dah lama kehilangan "kaca mata akhirat" tu

dah la rabun, (visi syurga tak cukup jelas lagi)
tak pakai spek pulak, (tak baca Quran)
lawak ke?
macamana nak lalui hidup ni kalau takde kaca mata yang akan bantu awak untuk hidup?

*nangis berjemaah UwU *


..............

sebab tu kena usaha untuk selalu ingat hakikat yang......
"Allah kan ada"

mungkin sebab tu lah kot ada ayat yang kata "orang beriman tak takut dan tak bersedih hati"
sebab diorg tahu dan diorang ingat yang Allah tu sentiasa ada

Allah boleh buat benda impossible jadi possible


terpulang pada kita je nak percaya/tak



so, macamana nak sampai tahap tu?
tahap yang boleh yakin sangat Allah ada,
dan mampu buat semua yang impossible jadi possible?

kena usaha untuk bina keimanan/keyakinan setinggi tu
macamana? dengan memahami al-Quran

sebab Quran is apa what really shapes you,
kan orang kata "you are what you consume/read"

Quran boleh build that kind of mindset, believe
It could give you that "kaca mata akhirat"
Kaca mata yang once you have it
Everything else seems petty
Nothing to worry,
nothing to be afraid of,

Sebab, hey semuanya Allah dah tetapkan sejak azali yang awak akan lalui semua benda-benda tu
Since Dia dah tetapkan mcmtu, bermaksud awak mampu
and He knows you are capable of it,
even if you feel you don't
So, no need to be worry,
because Allah is with you,
if you believe,
and if you strive to be among those who gets his mercy
eh rahmat Allah ni luas tau,
mintalah,
bukan orang yang dijamin syurga je dapat,
pendosa macam kita pun insyaAllah boleh dapat,
so, minta lah :)

If Allah is with you, nothing can harm you,
and you won't be sad or feel afraid.
cause everything is in the hands of Allah
everything was already planned and laid to mould the best of you out of it



memang pun,
sebab tu sahabat Nabi jadi generasi terhebat
sebab diorang bukan setakat baca & hafal Quran
tapi diorang faham mesej Quran tu
& amal (Ya, amal awakkkk -tengah cakap kat diri sendiri 😭😭😭😭😭)

Benda tu lah yang buat diorang sangat tergila-gilakan syurga,
hingga diorang tak kisah walau kena siksa

waktu perang, dah nak mati pun,
sanggup lagi utamakan sahabat yang lain untuk minum air dulu,
hingga semuanya mati syahid sebelum sempat teguk air tu 😭

Khabbab, sanggup kena siksa, dipanggang
sampai punggung dia jadi rata,

Bilal, sanggup kena hempap batu
banyak lagi cerita yang kalau kita baca

kalau orang biasa akan fikir,
gila ke diorang ni,
demi benda yang tak nampak,
diorang sanggup kena siksa


entah apa yang diorang tergila-gilakan sangat tu kan



sebab tu lah setiap apa yang berlaku,
diorang mampu lalui
sebab yakin dengan kuasa Allah yang melebihi manusia yang peling berkuasa sekali pun
kerana mereka punya kaca mata akhirat yang sangat jelas
kerana hubungan mereka dengan Quran yang begitu akrab,
bukan sekadar sebagai bahan bacaan, tetapi juga penghibur ketika duka, penawar ketika sakit dll
dan kerana tingginya keyakinan mereka pada kata-kata "Allah kan ada"
maka, mereka tidak bersedih hati dan tidak takut pada apa pun

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hmm, moga Allah redha :)

p/s : lamanya ya Allah tak post panjang macamni. impressed haha.
Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal <3

tentang Kritikan dan Keikhlasan

how ironic people can be..

not believing in someone,

yet telling that same person to believe in themselves

ooh, think it in a positive way

maybe it's just that, you are the person who can take this

getting those words of "self-love" and "self believe" from those who didn't believe in your capabilities

that is so...

........................

ahh, mungkin juga tuhan mahu kau buat sesuatu dengan penuh ikhlas,

bukan sebab kata-kata manusia,

tak kira kata-kata itu benar,

atau langsung bertentangan dengan apa yang mereka pernah katakan atau buat

kata-kata, pandangan atau reaksi manusia tak sepatutnya menjadi motivasi atau benda yang mematikan motivasi kau

sebab kalau reaksi manusia masih memberi kesan pada pilihan kau dalam beramal,

itu bermakna kau belum cukup ikhlas

sebab penentu kau buat/tak buat sesuatu tu bertitik tolak pada reaksi manusia

ikhlas ke macamtu?

buat semata-mata sebab Allah ke macamtu?

aaaaaah,

susahnya kan, nak ikhlas?

tapi kena selalu ingat,

Allah tengok usaha,

......................

bila nak berusaha bersungguh-sungguh?

.......

hah,

mungkin juga itu pengajarannya.

things will keep on repeating until you learn the lesson.

فصبر جميل

ولربك فاصبر

إن الله مع الصابرين

Indeed, the greatest critics comes from those near you -eventually they wants the best for you, right?

#Prayforme :'