Sprout

 "i wanted to"

"why?"

"because I want to grow"

"do you think you are fit enough?"

"I can't wait forever right?"

"I mean, I've had enough of that 'caving' moment and I've told myself that after that period of time, I should be thinking on moving forward"

"yes, I told myself that"

silence.

sigh.

"what matters most is that, he's willing to embrace my flaws and be my support through my recovering journey. that's all"

"whoever that person might be"

"aaaah... just the thought of it make me wanna cry"

"thought of what?"

"solemnization..."

"why?"

"cause it marks that a man is willing to care for her, for as long as he could"

"in the end, what I wanted the most is for someone to accept me, just the way I am"

"someone who is willing to go through thick and thin together"

"who will cherish me for who i am"

"somehow, that sound selfish"

"i know"

sigh

"you're good thou"

"but i am more concerned about him accepting my flaws, rather than that 'perfect' picture of me"

"and willingness to help me grow"

"I think a year is quite enough for me"

"honestly I'm quite scared, but..."

"i just want it to be a flawsome journey ahead."

"i just want to grow"

pray for me

Hard Times/Ujian

 hard times are part of growth

it forces us to grow

grow up

and out

of our comfort zones

comfort zone is not synonym with growth and progress

cause you'll always get pampered

nothing to worry about

there's always backups for you

enough supplies for your demands

and a perfect place to run away from growth process

but then,

how long are you willing to run?

will that change the fact that things are coming your way?

a hero in a movie will never be called one if he does not face the storm coming his way

and if the storm is not there, if it was all rainbows and sunshines,

he will never get that chance to be called a hero anyway

that title would not even exist. ever

hey, there's reasons for what's happening to you

what are you without those calamities that strike you?

those things doesn't define you,

not at all

unless if you let it to

it is meant to be there,

so that when you overcome it,

your rank are elevated

and you can come back stronger that ever

have you ever heard that,

the word "musibah" in arabic somehow brings the meaning "to hit the target"?

meaning that, musibah is something that is predestined for you

and that it is never a coincident, or hit you by mistake

but it hits the right person

and for reasons

and remember this ayat?

لَا يُكَلِّفُ اللَّـهُ نَفْسًا إِلَّا وُسْعَهَا ۚ لَهَا مَا كَسَبَتْ وَعَلَيْهَا مَا اكْتَسَبَتْ

"Allah tidak memberati seseorang melainkan apa yang terdaya olehnya. Ia mendapat pahala kebaikan yang diusahakannya, dan ia juga menanggung dosa kejahatan yang diusahakannya."

[al-Baqarah : 286]

it means, we are somehow capable of bearing those hard times

it's just that, we don't realize it

and it's how He tells us that,

it's time to level up

and you are capable of overcoming those things

and remember that,

if you need strength

go to the source of all strength

Allah

Thoughts

 sometimes,

when I'm not in a good mood,

I write

but that is not the usual case

usually I'll start to write when the feeling is intense

and there's this thoughts that's lingering in my head

like, written thoughts

maybe that's how I talk to myself

inner monologue

I rarely have this in-mind dialogue

and everytime (almost, i think), I'll write it out

so maybe, most of my thoughts are not well-organized thoughts that I can speak out

that's why, I rarely speak or write about it

yeah, maybe that's why...

still learning to get my thoughts organized...

I guess, 2020 is kind of the year of confusion for me

year of figuring things out hmmmm

I hope so

24th & PKPP

at this age,

I feels clueless
of what I should be

what should I do





maybe because everything happens at the same time,
coincidentally......






nah, nothing is coincident in this world


everything are placed perfectly,
only then, that pieces will resembles a complete puzzle
then it'll make sense to us



---------------------------------------

graduated,
the pandemic,
me feeling lost over what to do next,
post working-from-home phase etc

watching my friends' life update (married, work, study etc)

and all those influences I got from watching "how girls should be" in the social media thing,
i mean how girls should be working, women empowerment bla bla bla


all of these makes me think a lot these days,
but actually I'm confused of what I've been thinking



maybe because I think about many different things,
and I don't see where it connects
haha



maybe it connects at this point,
I'm actually lost about myself,

like, which path do I take now?
should I further study?
should I think about marriage?
should I work?
should I earn some money?

or should I just focus on serving/helping my family instead?


I just don't know,
because every path seems to be obscure
while time is precious
hello I'm 24 already
another one year and I'll reach suku abad already


yeah it's not really about the numbers right,
but 20's age is the golden age
and I shouldn't be wasting it



and, I'm not that good at balancing between responsibilities
so I don't really think that it's a good idea for me to do many at once
hmmmmmmmmmmm






maybe that's just the beauty of it,
like an abstract artwork,
vague, yet beautiful
waiting to be explored

pray for me please :')

Ramadhani?

Hidup adalah perjalanan yang bermula dari Tuhan, menuju Tuhan

Life is a journey; from Allah, to Allah

and in this journey towards God,

there will be maaaaaaany obstacles that may lead us astray from the right path

what are the obstacles?

right, syaitan and our own nafs

so, in order for us to be able to go through those obstacles safely, what do we need?

we need something that we can use to protect us, right?

and that's what we call, shield

---------

let us pause for a moment and ponder upon this Quranic verse;

يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا كُتِبَ عَلَيْكُمُ الصِّيَامُ كَمَا كُتِبَ عَلَى الَّذِينَ مِن قَبْلِكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَتَّقُونَ ﴿١٨٣﴾

"Wahai orang-orang yang beriman! Kamu diwajibkan berpuasa sebagaimana diwajibkan atas orang-orang yang dahulu daripada kamu, supaya kamu bertaqwa."

[Al-Baqarah : 183]

fasting is made obligatory = so that/hopefully you get Taqwa

do you know that Taqwa comes from the word, وقاية

which means, prevention, or shield?

--------------------------

okay, so back to our discussion,

in our journey to God,

we needed shield to protect us against all those obstacles that may lead us astray, right?

the syaitan and nafs

and in the previous Quranic verse, Allah mentioned that fasting is made obligatory upon us, so that we may gain Taqwa (shield)

so, there you go!

that's where we can get that protection from!

fasting is the tool for us to gain that shield

okay, hold on,

Taqwa is a shield,

but what does Taqwa really mean?

okay for that one, I would really suggest that you watch this video to understand what is Taqwa and how does fasting & Ramadhan enable us attain it?

https://youtu.be/xY8UC0OiYuw

-----------------------------

after you watch that video and understand about the importance of Taqwa,

you might want to plan on how to achieve Taqwa right?

I mean in practical ways

If so, let's determine what makes a person considered successful or the other way around.

Do you realize that when we picture/describe someone who is successful or not, we'll be describing his/her habits?

because you are determined by what you repeatedly do,

for instance, when a person is described as a very patient person, he must be someone who repeatedly/always has the tolerance of provocation without responding in annoyance/anger, right?

and the things that you repeatedly do, is called habit

and habit is what builds the character of a person

so, that's what you need to work on!

habits

but, then, I would suggest you to watch this video to understand how habit works

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cPn3UOt1lxw

-----------------------------

So, in order for us to attain Taqwa, this Ramadhan, I would suggest that we do this 3 things ;

1- make sure you have & follow your daily time table (just do a rough one, schedule activities in between prayer times)

2- commit on building 1 good crucial habit that is needed for you to attain Taqwa

3- commit on undo-ing 1 bad habit that will ruin your plan to achieve Taqwa

Side note :

• habit is build by doing the same thing, everyday for a period of time without breaking the chain (some said that the minimum period for a habit to be established is 21 day = 3 weeks, some said that its' 30 days)
• always consider our own stamina while building/undo-ing any habit. If you have never done it before/or for a long time, please please, start small & realistic. How can you sprint if you don't have the stamina?
• focus on 1 habit or more for each task of building and undo-ing habit. you can add 1 or 2 habit, if you ayou already have the stamina, depends on your capability.

REMEMBER, we want this shield to last until after Ramadhan, so plan accordingly, okay?

Do not rush by doing like 10 habits etc

Exploring

Salam

lately ni I've been thinking about sharing my ideas publicly, atau dalam bahasa lain, lebih meluas capaiannya (publicly tu hmmm not really sure)

because, I think I've got many things to share, tp since mcm segan nak share mcm one to one, unless it's usrah (that's why I like to bawak usrah, because I can share my ideas and thoughts there, without feeling awkward hahaha), why not make it somewhere public

hmmmm, again. when I said public. I'm not quite sure how public is it that I want it to be. setakat yg terfikir, nak share kat whatsApp story, IG TV etc. sebab lebih secure since I know those who can view it are all my friends or at least people that I know, haha. terutamanya IG TV la, sbb dia mcm TV kan, siapa nak tengok, silakan, dan boleh revisit balik kalau nak tengok sbb tersimpan kat situ kan

kalau WhatsApp story, I've already hide my story from all boys contacts, as far as I know harapnya takdelah yg terlepas lagi 😬

and actually mcm kalau nak mudah, I'm planning to just record a simple video of me just talking, without the need to edit anything hmmm, kalau rajin nak edit pun, maybe just subtitles and watermark, and maybe thumbnail? ceh rajinnya hahaha

tapi kalau nak share dalam whatsApp story, segan sikit laa haha sbb dia tak jadi konsep macam TV lah kalau nak tengok boleh, taknak pun takpe 🤔

unless, if I turn in into an animation/illustrational video lah, I can be the voice and the rest tu, maybe boleh minta tolong adik atau sesiapa buat. because............. i might take time to finish things since I'm a bit, perfectionist, maybe? sebenarnya suka je nak explore benda² pasal design ni, tapi tulah, takut akhirnya terbazirkan masa kat situ hahaha

bila tah nak face that kind of problem and settlekan 🤔

btw what I share, it can be, kind of TED Talk atau ala² Aida Azlin punya video? because it can be both reflections and ideas worth sharing hahahaha. 100rius lah tapi

btw hrtu ana dengar balik video Aida Azlin about doing stuffs, tak ingat tajuk dia apa, tapi pointnya adalah, if you want to do something just do it tak perlu tunggu perfect baru nak start. contoh, rasa nak create video? buat je dulu, tak perlu perfectly edited atau tunggu cukup peralatan utk buat video. and...... it doesn't have tu be posted online pun kalau taknak lagi. sbb kadang² that kind of thought, about needing to be perfect and thinking about other's perception yg buat langkah kita terhenti. untuk even, start the first step. like, hello you haven't even started tapi dah takut hahahahaha

but honestly, that's me. and I've just realized that, when she said it that way, and when my siblings and friends said about it to me. tanpa disedari, I've always been wanting to do things perfectly to the point that sometimes it takes too much time that's unnecessary pun, dan kadang² sampai takut nak start buat apa². sebab tanpa disedari, I am, afraid of failure.

and that's a mindset that I've been in, for such a long time, rupa-rupanya.

ooh, and then there's this saying of Nouman Ali Khan (NAK) in one of his video, he said that we will only know ourselves when we put ourselves to work, that's when we know our strengths, weaknesses and so on. dan memang betul pun apa yang dia cakap, because I've experienced what he said. I never knew that I'm a systematic and good at management person, until I work with people etc. dan terutamanya bila muhasabah ke apa orang komen pasal kita, benda yang kita tak pernah sedar. so benda tu sangat membuka mata lah sebenarnya. dia macam moment of realisation yang "oooh aku pandai menyanyi rupanya!" haaa lebih kurang gitulah

dan bila masuk uni dan terlibat dengan society etc, diberi tanggungjawab, bukan sekadar ahli biasa yang just jadi peserta program, barulah saya sedar pasal kebolehan dan potensi saya. dia lain tau bila kita jadi ahli biasa dan kita cuba untuk pegang jawatan, sbb ada tanggungjawab yang kena galas kat situ. like you have to think about the people, the resources and so on, mana sama dengan fikir pasal diri sendiri, gitulah analoginya.

oh dan saya masih ingat lagi antara perubahan lain yg saya dapat waktu zamsn sekolah dengan zaman uni, adalah komen orang pasal saya. kalau zaman sekolah, semua kalau ada 100 komen, semuanya akan cakap benda yg lebih kurang sama, pemalu, pendiam, sopan. tak pun, comel 😜😂😂😂😂😂 (eh tapi ini fakta okie? kbye hahahaha)

bila zaman uni pulak, jarang sangat dapat komen macamtu, dan komen² dia lebih diverse dan lebih rare. contoh, sistematik, detail...... okay tak ingat dah sebab diverse sangat bakat saya ni lol 😂. tapi an, satu benda yang pelik adalah, bila zaman uni yang orang ada komen muka garang 🤔. padahal rasanya dari zaman sekolah lagi muka dah garang hahahahaha, tapi mungkin sebab mmg cheerful je kot bila jumpa orang, so jarang lah diorang nampak muka garang tu

kalau zaman uni, sebab ada meeting etc, so peluang nak tengok muka garang lebih banyak, mungkin? hahahahaha sebab muka berfikir saya memang macamtulah, cannot help haha. unless, tengah meeting/usrah online fasa PKP ni. sebab sambil online, tengok muka sendiri 😂😂😂😂😂. so holeh lah latih muka utk senyum sikit hahaha.

okay sebenarnya, muka akan nampak garang kalau tengah berfikir, pening kepala, penat, tak sihat, atau...... salah angle 😂

takpelah, malas nak fikir, dah muka unik nak buat macamana, kalau tengah buat muka biasa pun nampak garang, sedangkan tengah expressionless tu haha. jadi kita kena bersyukur dengan ciptaan Allah ini hehe ❤️

anyways, I'll learn to be more open insyaAllah, learn to make failure, as my friend? eheh?

yang penting, belajar untuk cuba benda baru, insyaAllah. are you okie, dear self? hahahaha

1 out of 366

quick p/s : this post is actually written on 1st of January, 2020. but I just posted it here, since I posted it on the wrong place, which I thought that it's this blog. anyways....
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



me entering 2020,

entering 24th year,

yet still uncertain about who i am

i remember people saying that, teenage years are that period of life where people are searching for oneself

i don't think i feel that way when i'm in my teenage years

coz i just, flow with the flow, i guess

the problem is,

i'm turning 24 this year,

yet i'm still puzzled about myself

or.. maybe

its just that i'm uncertain about who i am meant to be

to be honest,

i do feel afraid of my future,

like, who i am meant to be,

because... all of these circumstances...

i'm more than this

like i am meant for something big

and look, all this circumstances is pushing me towards it

even though i've failed so many times

and felt like giving up for sooo sooooooooooooo many times

but.....

i just

i don't know why

i couldn't give up

couldn't stop myself from keep on moving

or is it,

because of my writing remedy?

when i'm stressed,

i always ended up writing

and when i write, i think and contemplate

contemplating of reasons why i should not stop?

why should i care to continue?

and things seems smooth and easy for me since ever

maybe that's why i feel like, hey why should i stop?

as if the path is written for me

who am i?