3 years of gratitude

 Salam,

writing this here today, as a remembrance and memory of how things have been going in my life these months..

okay maybe we can rewind back to when I was in the exam hall of my last paper for my degree. That day, it was Dec 2019 and I've finally-unofficially-graduated from the university and finally free. That last semester makes up all my degree journey into a total of years (many of my friends graduated one semester earlier -which i could do the same but i'm chosen and i chose to cewahh)

okay, then 2020 begins and started to be a full-time babysitter for my niece and nephew, since i'm the only who's free and available at that time. and then... march came and the lockdown began. so as i remembered, it was quite fun and boring.. especially when it has been too long to the point that i actually convinced my mom that i need to have an artificial grass-carpet to put it either on our balcony or the front yard. and that is for the sake of my mental well-being hahaha. but the boringness is so unbearable that i feel like running on a field of grass, going to the rives and forest and so on.

but there's these few things that happened to me around 2020;

1. first time baking (it's a chocolate moist cake bake using periuk nasiiiiiiiiiiii wahahaha) & bake a few times (basque burned cheesecake) (selain kek batik). i don't remember if i've baked anythings else than those two, except that i've been wanting to bake the brownies but haven't done it yet hehe

2. get to discover some health problems & start to treat them

3. started to play in taman baru & depan rumah

4. emotionally unstable phase

whilst  2021;

1. get to discover another health problem.

2. therefore, i've been going back and forth to the hospitals for appointments & even got the chance to meet an expert. under treatment

3. oh and gigi bongsu actually started to 'tunjuk taring' to the point that i feel like having this shark's teeth in my mouth and that hurts. and eventually getting them unplugged hehe

4. learn about me - related to the appointments

5. getting one my biggest health problem treated & still under treatment

6. many friends started kahwin, kahwin n kahwin

7. learning about emotions - since i'm an emotional person. this is a new experience -feeling numb when i thought like "should'nt I feel mad/sad etc?"

8. actually get to do taaruf and get married OMG. kahwin PKP pulak tuu

9. get a chance to level-up

10. 

and that's what i remember..

yeah, my 2020 is a year of confusion,

2021 is a year of healing

2022 is growth, i guess? and i hope so

actually i just remembered that during the 2nd half of 2019, i actually wanted to get myself a caving time (that's how frust i am with myself? because i'm stressed over how do i improve myself).

and during that period of time is also the moment when i realized that something's wrong with this particular circle's work enviroment (in which i'm involved in). and that's when the strong emotions turn into an idea that both me and my usrahmate (esp this one akak) fight for. and i did'nt know that passion can go that far OMG. like, there's just these 4 people fuelling the circle. that's totally a new experience, alhamdulillah :)

okay, back to 2021.

that healing period made me realize that, calmness is part of what makes you to have the ability to function better.

i've heard this one sister who shares how she overcomes her anxiety (if i'm not mistaken) by waking up in the middle of the night for tahajjud and that heals her, alhamdulillah.

this sharing then clicks with my feeling of calmness and peace that i've been feeling after undergoing treatments for myself. okay, it's actually numbness of emotions, but somehow when you can't feel sad etc, you sort of like, feel calm, you know?

so i guess the key is to have inner peace which can be acquired though different ways - since as a human, we have 4 domain (physical body, psychosocial, spiritual and cognitive mind)

but anyway i can't speak much about it since i'm not an expert in the field. but anyway, i found this one book written by prof Hatta Shaharom, on 7-day Stress Relief Plan which is interesting (it cover all 4 domains and about stress), but i have'nt finish reading it yet. maybe i shall share it somewhere when i'm done and ready :)

and this year of 2022, i...

1. got to travel using different kind of transportations which is exciting to me since i like adventureee (flight, ferry, kereta sewa, bus, ets, lrt, ktm, grab, kereta orang bagi pinjam) and go here n there with husband

2. got to experience kereta rosak, kereta masuk kedai etc

3. experience jadi cikgu sekolah rendah for 3-4 months and experiencing the pain of RPH hahahaha

4. learn to control the way i think and how i see/face problems. started gratitude journaling this few days alhamdulillah

5. get to organize my own house, learn kitchen hacks, started to be like hantu eco hahaha (okay please pray i don't become like that okay.. just want to be minimalist hehe insyaAllah)

6. started ajar mengaji, iqra and hafazan in short period of time and it is online!!!!!! (which is kind of perfect job for me alhamdulillah)

7. got a new 24/7 friend and husband alhamdulillah. there's a lot to be thankful and grateful for him, tapi takpe kita taknak sweet mweet di sini yaa

8. belajar hadap masalah2 kehidupan hehehe

and that's what i can think of since my memories macam tak berapa nak ingat hehe.

and as I said earlier... this post is like a gratitude journal for me.

but maybe not for you, who's reading this...

because gratitude happens when we look into ourselves and be happy and grateful for what we have/had/insyaAllah will have.

so this is an exercise for me to remember all those things happened in my life this past 3 years. and may this writing exercise makes me forever grateful to you o Allah, and towards everyone in my life too  :)

Entering 26th and still learning..

it feels almost like a trap

that I need to learn on how to make my way out of it

there is a way,

or ways 

it's just that,

you need to stop using the same method again and again

there's this quote that says

Albert Einstein : “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

it's time for you to learn this one dear self

---------------------------------------------

turning 26th this Wednesday

and got many things to learn

Perasaan

I do sometimes wonder,

if I'll be able to remember much of these days,

since i'm kind of emotionless,

and not like how I used to be

tapi kan,

mesti ada sebab Allah letak aku dalam situasi ni,

fasa perasaan tak terlalu kuat

tapi entah untuk apa,

aku sendiri tak tahu untuk apa

but somehow, I kind of can feel this song though;

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TA9raOpgtTE

and that's why i started writing this post haha

cause this is some of the few occasions where somehow, my bag of emotion kinda spilled a little bit i guess

there's the other few where I suddenly cried haha,

one of it was after having a video call with my sibs, niece and nephew

that is when I realized,

oh I actually kind of miss them

which I thought, I haven't

but maybe it's just that my bottle was wrapped up so tightly that I can't feel big emotions

there's even a phase where my sisters said that my laugh sounds fake everytime I laugh, although I do mean that laugh

seems like it even takes away the sound of sincerity in my laugh hahaha

......................................................

despite it all,

I do want to feel my emotions

entah la,

mungkin selama ni aku tak bersyukur dengan perasan-perasan yang Allah hadirkan dalam diri aku?

but, I'm missing them already

I miss crying while watching or listening to touching stories

miss that joy of seeing foods brought home by my parents or siblings

that feeling of sadness when I'm going to depart away from the people I cherish

feeling moved by the gestures of kindness when someone cares for you

having a good cry every month for sometimes even no reason to cry at all 

somehow,

i'm still grateful for everyone around me, those who stays with me, be it physically or not

who're always kind to me :')

perhaps,

I've been too emotional that it affects what I should be doing? is it?

should I be that way? Is that part of adulting?

idk

somehow,

my emotions kind of spilled a few times this past months

is it good or bad sign?

i have no idea

but I always believe,

everything that befalls a believer is all good,

as long as he/she believes

and I hope it will always stay that way :')

don't leave in my own hands o Allah...

i'm back and it's 2022 already wow

 Salam,

it's 2022 already. and i'm turning 26th this year. WOW

that number looks so into adult phase thingy. orang dewasa, besar hahaha

entah berapa kali word besar ni saya asyik ulang taip dalam blog ni, semenjak form 5, i guess?

haha. tapi, sejauh mana awak dah membesar dalam aspek-aspek lain selain fizikal tu awak? hmm good question

anyway, banyak benda berlaku in these recent years

especially tahun lepas, 2021

aah sebenarnya not in the mood untuk menulis sangat pun.

entahlah, few months back ni dah tak rasa nak menulis sangat. macam, mood tu hilang. even kadang ada je idea nak tulis, tapi tak tertulis jugak.

tadabbur pun, aahhh. lamanya tak buat reflect hmm.

btw, ni pun push jugak diri menulis sebab i think it's time for me to start walking again. hmm berjalan walaupun tak ada rasa nak jalan. trying to build momentum slowly, i guess

teringat mertua cakap, nak tulis ni, kena konsisten, tulis je walaupun tak ada idea.

eh tetiba ana mertua pulak kan hahahaha. so panjang ceritanya. ha tulah, kalau diikutkan, boleh je buat few posts. tapi mungkin keadaan sekarang ni buat semangat saya biasa-biasa aja haha.

because I used to be someone yang semangat bercerita, since my memories quite strong jugak and yeah I'm an emotional person. and emotions are what makes things go into long-term memory, isn't it? that's what I can recall from Intro to Psychology class that i took waktu kat uni dulu.

tapi entahlah, kalau orang baca cara saya tulis ni, mungkin orang akan fikir saya dalam keadaan yang tak okay, walaupun saya okay je sebenarnya. hmmmm susah nak cakap, it's complicated.

senang cerita, saya okay je despite what I writes here hahaha. nak tau lebih kenapa cerita tepi lolol.

fuhh ni baru intro, tak masuk lagi nak cerita apa (idk if I even write that much hmm)

hmmm i guess I'll stop here. esok lusa ke kita cuba lagi eh insyaAllah haha.

pancit dah haha