Perasaan

I do sometimes wonder,

if I'll be able to remember much of these days,

since i'm kind of emotionless,

and not like how I used to be

tapi kan,

mesti ada sebab Allah letak aku dalam situasi ni,

fasa perasaan tak terlalu kuat

tapi entah untuk apa,

aku sendiri tak tahu untuk apa

but somehow, I kind of can feel this song though;

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TA9raOpgtTE

and that's why i started writing this post haha

cause this is some of the few occasions where somehow, my bag of emotion kinda spilled a little bit i guess

there's the other few where I suddenly cried haha,

one of it was after having a video call with my sibs, niece and nephew

that is when I realized,

oh I actually kind of miss them

which I thought, I haven't

but maybe it's just that my bottle was wrapped up so tightly that I can't feel big emotions

there's even a phase where my sisters said that my laugh sounds fake everytime I laugh, although I do mean that laugh

seems like it even takes away the sound of sincerity in my laugh hahaha

......................................................

despite it all,

I do want to feel my emotions

entah la,

mungkin selama ni aku tak bersyukur dengan perasan-perasan yang Allah hadirkan dalam diri aku?

but, I'm missing them already

I miss crying while watching or listening to touching stories

miss that joy of seeing foods brought home by my parents or siblings

that feeling of sadness when I'm going to depart away from the people I cherish

feeling moved by the gestures of kindness when someone cares for you

having a good cry every month for sometimes even no reason to cry at all 

somehow,

i'm still grateful for everyone around me, those who stays with me, be it physically or not

who're always kind to me :')

perhaps,

I've been too emotional that it affects what I should be doing? is it?

should I be that way? Is that part of adulting?

idk

somehow,

my emotions kind of spilled a few times this past months

is it good or bad sign?

i have no idea

but I always believe,

everything that befalls a believer is all good,

as long as he/she believes

and I hope it will always stay that way :')

don't leave in my own hands o Allah...